[Dialogue] [Oe List ...] Correction - Grits, Green Beans and the Holy Ghost

[Ken Fisher via Dialogue]

Thank you most deeply, Marilyn.

And thanks to David Marshall for sending me these letters some years ago.

Ken



Here’s the letter Kay Hayes sent out before the 2000 Reunion.

Today Kay wrote, "I wrote the personal apology and sent it to Marsha Hahn who told me about the abuse. She sent it to the youth by way of the newsletter the youth wrote."


When we began the “Family Order” we were small enough that we knew each other and kept on top of what was going on with our children.  I was in Fifth City when JFK died and joined Joe Mathews at the children’s table.  We thought we were revolutionary in children’s education but as we grew in numbers we began to let unknown and irresponsible people take over our children’s care.  There is no excuse for this – it is criminal.  And I, as an adult in the Order for thirty years never took notice of the suffering of our children. Not all children were neglected and/or abused but it was criminal that even one child suffered.  I am so ashamed of my passive acceptance of this situation.
 
Virginia Satir, the family therapist, has the parents of an abused child kneel down and apologize for not protecting the child (even when they did not know about it).  So I am now on my knees – I apologize that I, as an adult, did not protect you and other children.  Every child has the right to be protected.  I was blind to it.  I am sorry.  If there is anything I can do, please let me know.  I do not ask for forgiveness – this is something I will take to my grave.  You did not deserve to be abused.  I think an apology is overdue to each and every one of you who suffered.
 
I’ve been thinking about the movie Judgment in Nuremberg, the first movie the Order analyzed.  In it, they were talking about all the Germans who did not (first-hand) kill the Jews.  As I remember the quotes – “Yes, we notice the terrible smell at the camps and we noticed that all the Jews were disappearing, but we didn’t know what was happening.  We are not guilty.”
 
Well, we (the adults) did notice that our children hated Emerging Generation structures, that they cried for their parents, and that they were not learning, but suffering.  For that, we are guilty.
 

Shortly thereafter, the following letter was distributed, signed by one hundred and fifty Order parents and adults:

We, the undersigned who were present at the Order Reunion 2000, heard verbal and written reports from both first and second generation persons in which they expressed their abuse and suffering.  In response we wish to add to the above letter as an expression of our apology without justification.  We are personally contacting first generation Order persons but wanted to have an initial expression of our sorrow go quickly to the second generation.
 
We are brokenhearted about the suffering we allowed and even more sorry that it has taken so long to acknowledge this to you.  This is only an opening of what we hope will be an ongoing dialogue.  We need to hear your truth.  We are ready to listen.




On Feb 5, 2016, at 8:32 PM, Marilyn Crocker <marilyncrocker at juno.com> wrote:

Hi Ken,
 
I’m not sure where you heard that “Kay’s apology was sent to all the Second Generation before the 2000 reunion.”   
 
Actually, that was not the case.
 
When we gathered before the reunion began, the agenda was set and after several side-bar meetings with some of us (Kay, me, Sandy True, Ken & Ruth Gilbert, Martha Talbott, Mark Whitney, Leif Oden and others) we suggested the agenda be altered to include the issues that were being increasingly raised by our second generation.
 
Kay’s own childhood abuse by her uncle urged her to advocate for our second generation, and whether wise or not, she became the spokesperson for our second generation at that meeting.  I facilitated the whole group gathering when the difficult “truths” were discussed – not at all a role I had intended when I registered for this “reunion.”  Martha Talbott facilitated a follow-up session to present the 5 healing strategies we, as first generation, recommended.
 
The statements of apology were crafted during that time of the meeting, not by Kay, but by the OE Generation #2, and the OE Generation #1.  And Joe and I and many others present wholeheartedly signed the statement of apology from Generation #1 – we were stunned and saddened by what had been revealed.
 
And then, Bishop Jim Mathews, who was present for all of these painfully honest conversations, acknowledged the brokenness (Sin) and pronounced the Word of Absolution (Grace)
 
I believe neither Carol Poole, nor her family who had left the Order long before, were present for these gatherings, and so the “apologies” she cited in her narrative were probably the best she garnered from third parties, but were presented out of actual context.  That’s not her fault…it’s just she wasn’t there.
 
I’m looking forward to alternative “Memoirs” or even “Historical Non-fiction” versions of the OE: Story – especially from some of the amazing (in my estimation) priors of the Student House – like the Packards, the Griffins, the Crows, Nancy Lamphear, Marie Sharpe, Jeannie Philbrook, Dierdre Dowsett, etc..
 
And I look forward to other perspectives from our second generation adults.
 
Furthermore, as one who was a member of the Order for 22 years, and who, with my husband of nearly 49 years, raised two sons in the Order, I’m guessing it might be my responsibility to write my version of life in the Order.
 
We’ll see.
 
Grace and peace,
 
Marilyn
 
From: OE [mailto:oe-bounces at lists.wedgeblade.net <mailto:oe-bounces at lists.wedgeblade.net>] On Behalf Of Ken Fisher via OE
Sent: Friday, February 05, 2016 6:37 PM
To: Order Ecumenical Community; Colleague Dialogue
Subject: [Oe List ...] Correction - Grits, Green Beans and the Holy Ghost
 
 
Correction: Kay’s ‘on-behalf-of’ apology was sent to all the Order Youth before the 2000 reunion.
 
Another apology was agreed upon at the reunion and signed by by 150 Order parents and adults.

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