[Dialogue] Kitchen Table Conversation to Discuss Challenges and Actions to Address Them

[Jo Nelson]

The following conversation is designed for both facilitators and non-facilitators, in other words for anyone who is curious and willing to dialogue with others.  This is my contribution to the situation we are facing. I invite you to try something like this.    

One of the things I have heard the most in the last few months is a yearning to understand how different people can think so differently about what is going on in the world. Others have said that making meaningful connections with others is really important for mental health.  
 
Since my vocation is about building bridges between people, and my career has involved leading conversations among all kinds of people, I thought perhaps creating a relaxed conversation with friends and acquaintances that anyone could host could lead to addressing this need.  
 
The design of this conversation is inspired by two main resources:
I Never Thought of it That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times, by Monica Guzman
The Art of Focused Conversation Second Edition: More than 100 Ways to Access Group Wisdom in your Organization, by R.Brian Stanfield and Jo Nelson, General Editors   
 

There are three parts to this guide.   
1.      Suggestions for the facilitator for setting up the environment 
2.     Leading the conversation:
a.     The first conversation: Narrowing the possible events to be discussed to one event
b.     The second conversation: Dialogue about the chosen event
3.     An optional conversation to evaluate the session
 
 
 
1.     Setting Up the Environment:
Invite neighbours or friends to come together around your kitchen table or living room to have some facilitated open dialogue about current challenges. At first, it may be wise to have a small group of people who may have similar thinking.  Let them know ahead of time that this is an invitation for those who are curious and want to explore the issues from many perspectives. You may also share the working assumptions that will create safety to speak together (See below).  
 
Let people know that you will facilitate the conversation, and that while you are facilitating, you are detached from any opinions you might have about the content – your role is to ask questions and guide the conversation so that everyone has a chance to participate and it stays respectful.   
 
Be ready to stop the event (respectfully) if it degenerates into digging in, arguing or ranting, or verbal attacks.  Not everyone is prepared to participate in a conversation like this.  If the first one goes well, try some groups with more diversity in their perspectives, but who are curious and have a readiness to be in dialogue.  
 
You do not need to ask every question laid out below, but ask at least one or two at each level.  The questions are designed to follow a pattern of clear thinking, from surface to depth, which guide the allows the understanding of the group to evolve naturally as each level builds on the level before it. 
 
The intent of the conversation: 
The Topic:  What is going on right now that presents challenges for us, and that we might be able to do something about? 
 
The Rational Aim: To have articulated, heard, and understood different perspectives on at least one current event and its impacts. A list of a few doable positive actions that will make a difference. Practical recommendations to share with leaders and decision-makers.  
 
The Experiential Aim: Each participant will feel heard and will feel that they have connected with others who care. Each participant will have a better understanding of what is going on and of other perspectives.
 
(A small local conversation might connect later to many larger conversations, either on larger topics, or with other groups of people.)
 
 
2.     Starting the Conversation 
 
Serve tea, coffee, snacks…. Make sure people are comfortable.  
 
Opening:  Welcome everyone!  (a round of short introductions if people don’t know each other)
 
I’ve invited you here to have a conversation about current events – to choose one that we would like to explore, and then to have a thoughtful conversation, hearing each others’ perspectives about it. Perhaps we will come up with some positive actions we can do later, or recommendations for leaders and decision-makers. 
 
My role is to make it a safe place to ask questions and explore different perspectives on the topic we choose to explore.  When I am asking questions, I do not have answers. I am leaving my opinions at the door so that I can guide respectful dialogue. I’m going to ask questions in a specific order that is designed to move our thinking from what we observe, through our internal reactions and memories, to interpretations, and finally to decision and closure.   
 
There are two parts to this conversation:  the first to pick one event to explore, and the second longer one to explore it.  
 
These are some assumptions in guiding this conversation: 
Working Assumptions:
Everyone has wisdom – life experience, personal perspectives, knowledge that they are bringing with them.
We need everyone’s wisdom for the wisest result -- just as the value of a diamond lies in its many different facets, the value of a conversation lies in understanding the many different perspectives people bring. 
There are no wrong (or right) answers in this conversation – we do not have to agree, just to listen to understand where someone is coming from.
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts – we will all have a better understanding of what is going on after we listen to all the perspectives.
Everyone will hear others and be heard – we will all speak and listen to understand, not to argue or convince others.   
All of this is about respecting different perspectives, both in listening and asking questions to clarify and understand.  
 
 
2a. First Conversation: Narrowing the topic to pick one to explore: 
Objective Level:  What are some news events, local (or at any other level), that you have heard recently?   Not commentary, but the actual event itself.  Give it to us as a headline (not the whole story).  
(take brief notes)
 
Reflective Level: Which of these news events are you most familiar with?
Which of these raise the strongest emotion for you?
Which of these are you least interested in?   
 
Interpretive Level: Let’s pick one to explore more deeply. There are several more questions here to weigh the events up before we decide:
Which of these events seems like it has the most resonance with this group?
Which seems like it needs the most exploration to understand what’s really going on?
Which one of these do we feel we might potentially meaningfully address through our actions?”
 
Decisional Level: Which of these shall we pick for this conversation today?  (We can talk about others at another time if we like.)
 
 
2b. Second Conversation: Focusing on the event the group has picked to explore:
Objective Level:  What is some of the background data we know about this event (name it)?  What is the source of that background data?
 
Reflective Level: What part of this is the most confusing or obscure?
What part of this is the most fascinating to you?
What part is the most frightening?
Where have you experienced something like this in the past, or observed it happening?
   
Interpretive Level: What might have been some of the root issues that made this event happen?
What are similar events that have happened recently?
What are some of the trends that this event might be pointing to?
What are the possible impacts of this event – either positive or negative, or both? Let’s capture this in notes. We can add plus (for positive) or minus (for negative) or both for our reactions to any impact.
 
Decisional Level: What can we do at the local level to influence the impact of this event and those similar to it, to mitigate potential negative impacts and strengthen potential positive impacts? 
What practical recommendations do we want to make to decision-makers in our community, country, or world?
 
Closing:  I have found it helpful to have this conversation and find out your concerns.  I have learned a lot from everyone, and I hope you have, too. 
Would you like to come another time to explore another topic?
 
Who would like another cup of tea or coffee?  
 
 
3.     Optional:
Feel free to have a quick evaluation of the conversation itself with the group if appropriate:
O. What are some words or phrases that caught your attention during our conversation?
R. What was the most engaging part of the conversation? 
     At what part did you find yourself uneasy, or uncomfortable?
I. What is something new that you are considering now?  (“I never thought about it like that!”)
    What is something that confirms something you were already thinking about?
D. If we were going to have another similar conversation, what changes would you make?
(Take notes on the recommended changes.) 

Jo Nelson
jo.r.nelson at gmail.com



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