New subject: [Dialogue] Birthday Witness

14 Dec 2019

      *Death up Close*

It has been a rough year. Late in 2018 I fell off my bike and headed to the
doctor to make sure I was okay. From a CT scan discovered two lung spots-
four months of CT scans, a PET scan and a biopsy, (which caused a collapsed
lung) to find out it was nothing the doctors were concerned about. But it
generated a lot of thinking about my end of life, and death. Even went to a
Church class on sharing what you have done or need to do to get ready for
your funeral.

Then Jim Stovall, Sally’s brother (10 years in the Order), came down with
stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver. They worked on a liver replacement, but
Jim’s body became toxic and he died in April of this year. Then in May,
Sally (significant other for 14 years) had a major stroke and died- just to
give you a feel for this death up close:

Sally, nothing basically wrong...just general 70-year health problems... a
little issue with high blood pressure but controlled by pills. She was
getting ready for a meeting and I came into the bedroom and she was on the
bed- said she got dizzy in the bathroom and just barely made it to the bed.
She said she had a headache (her speech was a little slurred) and wanted
two aspirins- I gave them to her and left her on the bed for 15 minutes-
came back and she wanted to eat something- sure- but she could not get up
except her left arm- I grabbed her arm but she was not able to make it up-
I called ambulance-we got to the hospital- she had a massive stroke with
major brain bleeding... from local Western Suburban Hospital took her
downtown by ambulance to Rush (Chicago stroke Hospital). Arrived at
Hospital by 10:30pm and they determined she had lost most of her brain
function. We kept her on a breathing tube until her sister and daughter
arrived the next day and pulled tube after a prayer service with her pastor
Marti, Pam Bergdall, Carol (sister), Teresa (daughter), George Emerick
(Teresa’s father) and myself. Sally lasted about 15 minutes. In a way it
was great, it was quick. She was unconscious almost immediately at 730pm
Monday night and pronounced dead at 4:27pm the next day, May 21st.. a great
life

But I wasn’t prepared for the HOLE that was blown in my life with the loss
of my partner of 14 years. And in the midst of this emotional loss, I have
had to spend the last 7 months taking care of the aftereffects of Sally’s
death and re-organizing my life. So, my learnings from these 3 death
experiences (I count my lung problem as a near death):

   1.

   1)  In all 3 events I was struck how unprepared we are for death both in
   handling others deaths or our own. We are overwhelmed by the loss of our
   loved one to deal with what is the most important event of our or their
   lives. How can we pay so little attention to expressing the meaning and
   purpose of this glorious life we have had?
   2.

   2)  Second, death is usually hidden and then burst into our lives. Death
   is wicked how fast it comes and how it is all consuming and leaves little
   room for preparation or even thought. Sally’s stroke was unannounced, and
   she was gone in less that 12 hours. Jim Stovall was in a hospital fighting
   a losing battle for his life and Sally and his family were totally consumed
   with his care. It is hidden in that we do not want to even consider this
   end or admit to our finitude and mortality. The hiddenness from death, from
   this final power cuts us off from our journey leaves us shocked and
   disoriented in thinking/preparing to have a meaningful ending

   3) What happens is professionals that deal a lot with death step in and
   organize the readings, the message, the music, the witness, the reception
   as the family and friends are frozen in losing a beloved one. When you read
   Matthew’s The Time My Father Died and Matthews gets mad at what the funeral
   home had done to his father. The issue is not the funeral home but rather
   Joseph had not thought through his father’s death.

[image: page2image6769664]

In the case of Sally, since I had been thinking about my own death- I asked
ICA’s Seva Gandhi to do one of the Memorial Services witnesses to Sally’s
life. I asked her to reflect on Sally’s time in the Order, the Ecumenical
Institute and Institute of Cultural Affairs. Seva did a great job capturing
Sally’s thankfulness for being in a religious community and how she engaged
herself as being part of a global servant force that was out to care for
the poorest of the poor. I was so pleased that it seemed to hold the depth,
wonder and uniqueness of her existence;

   - Sally loved the religious house and the community, interaction,
   structures it brought her life.
   -
   - Sally loved the town meetings and her engaging the small towns across
   Utah. She had an amazing memory of those small town meetings and especially
   the songs.
   -
   - It was clear that Sally had found purpose in her life and was sent to
   make a difference in this world. Others sensed this too. Was pretty obvious
   when she died on a Tuesday and the next day, Wednesday, we held a prayer
   service with 100 people showing up and talked and talked about what Sally
   meant to their lives. And then that Saturday at her Memorial Service 250
   people showed up many unknown to us... people were standing in the Church
   aisles

But my lesson learned through all of this is that we need to take ownership
of our death and the message (word) it brings to others. I have worked on
my funeral: like to have the Daily Office liturgy, DH Lawrence’s Not I, Not
I But a New Wind Blowing Through Me read, decided what I like to have read
from the NT and the OT and who and what would like have sung plus a
witness-one being the ICA. For Sally’s Memorial Service her children pulled
together a slide show that was fabulous. Need to do that.

I think the basic message is that we need to get our deaths thought through.
So 3 deaths (actually Sally’s sister died the year before) and a funeral
class has

made death up close as a reality. Overwhelming experience; need to bring
intentionality and attentionally to our deaths and the death needs to speak
the “Word”. So from this experience and dialogue I have joined with others
to form a “Death Team” (Pam Bergdall and Seva Gandhi- who says death is
always on her mind), We are proposing a quarterly death webinar or more
like a death sharing circle to get our deaths in shape...it has been said
that facing up to death also makes for a better life. What think you?

Dick Alton, RS-1, 1968, born December 14, 1941

-- 
Richard H. T. Alton
One Earth Film Fest ( OEFF)
Green Community Connections
Interfaith Green Network
T: 773.344.7172
richard.alton@gmail.com
**Save the Date! One Earth Film Festival 2019, March 1-10*
http:www.oneearthfilmfestival.org

Make Plain the Vision, Habakkuh 2:2

Birthday Witness

Richard Alton

Robertson Work

Jack Gilles

McCabe, Diann A

Mari Crocker

Ruth

Robertson Work

Priscilla Wilson

Ellie Stock

Nancy Lanphear

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