My dear Dick, I don’t know where I was in May, but must have been MIA when Sally died so suddenly. Though I am late with it, I grieve with you and celebrate with you her life and your life together. I appreciated your profound reflections on death; something everyone needs to think about for themselves, sooner than later.
Some years ago I wrote a letter to Justin and my daughters about my feelings about death and where I would like my ashes to be scattered, etc. Once I did so, I never feared my death, despite a pulmonary embolism and two strokes. After I experienced the P.E. in January, I edited this letter, including my granddaughters this time, thinking more about a memorial service. I included poetry from which to choose, style of service and how I wish to be remembered. At the end, I included some practics – important phone numbers, contacts, etc.
Seemed to me that it would take a lot of the burden off the rest of the family, at a time when they would be most stressed, although it was not required they follow any of it. For instance, some of my family feel more strongly about being in a church, while I couldn’t care less where it is, as long it is a celebration; some would prefer a service of some kind, while I would prefer to stay clear of such. So, my suggestions are not etched in stone, but meant to make it easier on the family.
If you haven’t done something like this, I urge you to not just think about it; write it down! After all, you never know when you become unable to. I was feeling very healthy–best ever, when I experienced each of those life-threatening incidents, plus a heart attack when I was a whole lot younger, and cancer.
If any of you would like a copy please let me know.
Del
Del Hunter Morrill
3217 North Mason Avenue
Tacoma WA 98407-5419
H/W: (253) 752-1506
Web site: www. hypnocenter.com
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou
From: OE <oe-bounces@lists.wedgeblade.net> On Behalf Of Richard Alton via OE
Sent: Saturday, December 14, 2019 2:58 PM
To: Order Ecumenical Community <oe@lists.wedgeblade.net>; ica-dialogue@igc.topica.com
Cc: Richard Alton <richard.alton@gmail.com>
Subject: [Oe List ...] Birthday Witness
Death up Close
It has been a rough year. Late in 2018 I fell off my bike and headed to the doctor to make sure I was okay. From a CT scan discovered two lung spots- four months of CT scans, a PET scan and a biopsy, (which caused a collapsed lung) to find out it was nothing the doctors were concerned about. But it generated a lot of thinking about my end of life, and death. Even went to a Church class on sharing what you have done or need to do to get ready for your funeral.
Then Jim Stovall, Sally’s brother (10 years in the Order), came down with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver. They worked on a liver replacement, but Jim’s body became toxic and he died in April of this year. Then in May, Sally (significant other for 14 years) had a major stroke and died- just to give you a feel for this death up close:
Sally, nothing basically wrong...just general 70-year health problems... a little issue with high blood pressure but controlled by pills. She was getting ready for a meeting and I came into the bedroom and she was on the bed- said she got dizzy in the bathroom and just barely made it to the bed. She said she had a headache (her speech was a little slurred) and wanted two aspirins- I gave them to her and left her on the bed for 15 minutes- came back and she wanted to eat something- sure- but she could not get up except her left arm- I grabbed her arm but she was not able to make it up- I called ambulance-we got to the hospital- she had a massive stroke with major brain bleeding... from local Western Suburban Hospital took her downtown by ambulance to Rush (Chicago stroke Hospital). Arrived at Hospital by 10:30pm and they determined she had lost most of her brain function. We kept her on a breathing tube until her sister and daughter arrived the next day and pulled tube after a prayer service with her pastor Marti, Pam Bergdall, Carol (sister), Teresa (daughter), George Emerick (Teresa’s father) and myself. Sally lasted about 15 minutes. In a way it was great, it was quick. She was unconscious almost immediately at 730pm Monday night and pronounced dead at 4:27pm the next day, May 21st.. a great life
But I wasn’t prepared for the HOLE that was blown in my life with the loss of my partner of 14 years. And in the midst of this emotional loss, I have had to spend the last 7 months taking care of the aftereffects of Sally’s death and re-organizing my life. So, my learnings from these 3 death experiences (I count my lung problem as a near death):
- 1) In all 3 events I was struck how unprepared we are for death both in handling others deaths or our own. We are overwhelmed by the loss of our loved one to deal with what is the most important event of our or their lives. How can we pay so little attention to expressing the meaning and purpose of this glorious life we have had?
- 2) Second, death is usually hidden and then burst into our lives. Death is wicked how fast it comes and how it is all consuming and leaves little room for preparation or even thought. Sally’s stroke was unannounced, and she was gone in less that 12 hours. Jim Stovall was in a hospital fighting a losing battle for his life and Sally and his family were totally consumed with his care. It is hidden in that we do not want to even consider this end or admit to our finitude and mortality. The hiddenness from death, from this final power cuts us off from our journey leaves us shocked and disoriented in thinking/preparing to have a meaningful ending
3) What happens is professionals that deal a lot with death step in and organize the readings, the message, the music, the witness, the reception as the family and friends are frozen in losing a beloved one. When you read Matthew’s The Time My Father Died and Matthews gets mad at what the funeral home had done to his father. The issue is not the funeral home but rather Joseph had not thought through his father’s death.
In the case of Sally, since I had been thinking about my own death- I asked ICA’s Seva Gandhi to do one of the Memorial Services witnesses to Sally’s life. I asked her to reflect on Sally’s time in the Order, the Ecumenical Institute and Institute of Cultural Affairs. Seva did a great job capturing Sally’s thankfulness for being in a religious community and how she engaged herself as being part of a global servant force that was out to care for the poorest of the poor. I was so pleased that it seemed to hold the depth, wonder and uniqueness of her existence;
- Sally loved the religious house and the community, interaction, structures it brought her life.
- Sally loved the town meetings and her engaging the small towns across Utah. She had an amazing memory of those small town meetings and especially the songs.
- It was clear that Sally had found purpose in her life and was sent to make a difference in this world. Others sensed this too. Was pretty obvious when she died on a Tuesday and the next day, Wednesday, we held a prayer service with 100 people showing up and talked and talked about what Sally meant to their lives. And then that Saturday at her Memorial Service 250 people showed up many unknown to us... people were standing in the Church aisles
But my lesson learned through all of this is that we need to take ownership of our death and the message (word) it brings to others. I have worked on my funeral: like to have the Daily Office liturgy, DH Lawrence’s Not I, Not I But a New Wind Blowing Through Me read, decided what I like to have read from the NT and the OT and who and what would like have sung plus a witness-one being the ICA. For Sally’s Memorial Service her children pulled together a slide show that was fabulous. Need to do that.
I think the basic message is that we need to get our deaths thought through.
So 3 deaths (actually Sally’s sister died the year before) and a funeral class has
made death up close as a reality. Overwhelming experience; need to bring intentionality and attentionally to our deaths and the death needs to speak the “Word”. So from this experience and dialogue I have joined with others to form a “Death Team” (Pam Bergdall and Seva Gandhi- who says death is always on her mind), We are proposing a quarterly death webinar or more like a death sharing circle to get our deaths in shape...it has been said that facing up to death also makes for a better life. What think you?
Dick Alton, RS-1, 1968, born December 14, 1941
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Richard H. T. Alton
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